A list of things to get you by in the Art World

Suck at Traditional Mediums

Painting, drawing, sculpture, photography, videography. Eff it. As they say, “it’s been done.” Even if you’re good at any of these disciplines, pretend you’re not, and then tell people you are.

Practice BS’ing explanations

It’s all about convincing your audience. Oh, and learn big artsy words like: composition, balance, contrast, negative space, and my all time favorite — juxtapose.

Be a Minority

Make sure you do a lot of pieces about race and gender. Non-minorities will tell you their best friend is of said minority. All conversation will consist of the non-minorities past experiences with minorities in an attempt to relate. It won’t work.

Do Drugs

And swear by it. Alcohol counts too. Any abuse of the body probably works. For instance, sleep deprivation. If you don’t do any of these things, just lie about it. Don’t really do drugs, they’re bad for you.

Be anti-large corporation

Make sure to wear clothes that don’t have visible tags, so people don’t know how hypocritical you are.

Memorize Names out of Art History Books

And then tell people that they are your heroes. Memorizing dates will only add to your credibility. Don’t worry about reading their manifestoes, or actually doing research about what the art is really about. And use big words. (see above , Practice BS’ing explanations

Start out with a Real Major

Go into school while majoring in something that’ll make your parents proud. Then change when you get to school. If you’re a hardcore artist, double major in some business major. It doesn’t really matter which one, they’re all bullshit. That, or they’ll get you a job with an actual salary.

Build Your Art Endurance

Another important aspect of being an artist is being able to sit through shit no normal person would. Performance pieces, poetry, obscure art films, experimental music, experimental anything. If you’re able to endure these things, you’ll be to be all the more snottier than people who can’t. Make sure you point this out to people. Oh, and stay awake. Every time I fall asleep, I miss the parts where there’s nudity. No joke.

Don’t Sell Out

Until you have to pay back loans.

Use Clichés

Yeah, they’re overused, and if someone brings up this point, just say that’s why you used it.

Make Art

Last, but not least. I’m not totally sure you really have to do this. Extra points if you get other people to do the work for you. In fact, remember those artists I told you to memorize? Just copy their work. And if people point out that you’re stealing their work, tell them it’s intentional.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 13th, 2006 at 12:51 pm and is filed under Thoughts.